


The Web in Front

by battalions (Mina)



Series: Jesse & John [2]
Category: Brand New, Taking Back Sunday
Genre: M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-03
Updated: 2012-02-03
Packaged: 2017-10-30 13:46:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 14,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/332381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mina/pseuds/battalions
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>And a mouth kept shut,</em>
  <br/>
  <em>and a tongue twist-tied;</em>
  <br/>
  <em>you’re the web in front of a favorite lie.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sequel to The Tension and the Terror. Spans about three and a half years of Jesse Lacey and John Nolan’s relationship in their early twenties, up to and immediately after The Fight. Because yeah, the internet needed another one of <em>those</em> fics. The first ten chapters take place from the fall of 1997 through 1998; chapter eleven onwards is from 1999 through to May of 2001.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Present tense, third-person limited; Jesse-centric. Made an effort to be as close to canon as possible.
> 
> [Originally posted](http://stories.mibba.com/read/405530/The-Web-in-Front/) on [Mibba](http://mibba.com) between August 11 and October 9, 2011.

Jesse’s at a party; the kind of party he would’ve died to go to in high school but doesn’t find impressive anymore. It's still fun, though, and he knows a lot of people, and the beer is cheap and ever-flowing. The party doesn’t matter though. It’s one of many; a way to spend a Saturday night.  
  
What matters is that Jesse has to pee and the door to the bathroom is closed. He knocks and gets no response. Knocks again; nothing. He never understands why people close bathroom doors behind them. He has been made practical by seven siblings, two showers, and three toilets: In his house you leave the door open when a bathroom’s free so that no one has to waste time checking.  
  
He decides enough is enough and feels like an idiot for standing around in front of what is clearly an empty bathroom, so he opens the door and goes in.  
  
It’s not empty, though: John’s in there making out with someone.  
  
And if John was with one of the girls he normally makes out with, Jesse would’ve laughed, apologized, and left. Or if it was John’s ex-girlfriend that he keeps accidentally hooking up with, or that random girl at the party that no one really likes, or even if it was one of Jesse’s ex-girlfriends, except Sarah because he’s still sort of cut up about her, Jesse would’ve done that: just laughed and left. Maybe given John a thumbs up or something.  
  
It’s not one of the girls he normally makes out with. It’s not one of the girls he abnormally makes out with. It’s not a girl at all. It’s a boy, a tall, broad-shouldered boy who was apparently wearing lip gloss because it’s now smudged across John’s mouth.  
  
So Jesse doesn’t apologize and he certainly doesn’t laugh; he scowls and turns around and leaves; leaves the whole damn house; fuck it, fuck him, fuck everything.  
  
He’s walked about two houses away when he remembers that John drove him here. He knows if he would just go back he could bum a ride off someone, but then he might see John and he definitely doesn’t want to see John. So fine; he’ll just walk. It’s not even that cold; it’ll be fine. His house is about a fifteen minute drive from here locally, so that’s…shit. That’s far to walk. But he doesn’t care.  
  
“Jesse!”  
  
He sort of half-knew this would happen, and he sort of half-wants it to, but he keeps walking.  
  
“Jesse! Stop!”  
  
John’s got to be crazy if he thinks that’s going to work. _Oh, you want me to stop? Why didn’t you say so earlier? I thought you were just calling out my name for your own enjoyment._  
  
Jesse hears the sound of feet slapping concrete behind him and knows John is running to catch up. He also knows that he could probably outrun John, but he keeps walking, because this whole thing is stupid enough already without a chase scene.  
  
When John reaches Jesse he shoves him in the back a little, and Jesse turns around, because John earned it, at least. He’s doubled over, out of breath.  
  
“Fuck!” he says. “I’m out of shape.”  
  
“Maybe you should quit smoking,” Jesse says irritably. He loves John but he will always resent him for smoking when John knows how scared Jesse is that his emphysemic grandfather is going to die.  
  
Usually John gives him the finger when Jesse says stuff like this, but this time he doesn’t. “Jesse,” he wheezes, “I’m sorry. I know you’re mad at me –”  
  
“I’m not mad at you,” says Jesse. Mostly he’s mad at himself.  
  
“Yes you are,” says John. “Don’t lie. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry. I know you must hate me; I get it; I’m sorry, but please don’t, please don’t stop being friends with me, please…”  
  
“Why would I stop being friends with you?” Jesse mutters. He kicks a bit of gravel into the strip of grass that separates the curb and the street from the sidewalk.  
  
John is staring at him and even in the dimness of night Jesse can see that his face is genuinely pained. “Because – because you hate me. Because you think I’m disgusting. Because you think I’m a fag. Because you don’t want me to kiss guys. Because it’s gross. Because you think I’m going to hell.”  
  
“Shut up, John,” Jesse sighs. “You know I don’t think that.”  
  
“Yes you do.”  
  
“No, I don’t.”  
  
“Then why are you mad? Why did you leave?”  
  
Jesse scratches the back of his neck and avoids eye contact. “Come on, dude; don’t make me say it.”  
  
“Say it,” John commands. “Please, please, just say it.”  
  
“Because –” They are alone in this patch of suburbia. “Because I don’t want you to kiss _other_ guys.”  
  
John smiles and then does something Jesse knows he wouldn’t do (here, at least) if it was light out or if there was anyone nearby or if he hadn’t been drinking for approximately the last four hours: He kisses Jesse on the lips. Just briefly, like the first time. For a split-second Jesse wants to cry, but then he feels better.  
  
They walk back to John’s car together and argue over whether John’s sober enough to drive. Jesse wins. He starts the car up and then they argue over where to go.  
  
“My parents’ll flip if I come home this drunk.”  
  
“Yeah, and mine are going to give you a medal?”  
  
“They’ll be asleep.”  
  
“So will yours!”  
  
“But if mine wake up they’ll flip and if yours wake up they won’t because it’s not _you_ who’s this drunk, so they won’t. They’ll just be a little mad at me. Please, Jesse. Please just let me come home with you.”  
  
So he does. Jamey is in the living room when they come in, and he looks up right as Jesse has to catch John to keep him from falling into the hall table, and Jesse just shrugs at his brother and helps John to his room.  
  
Jesse’s bed is twin-size and John sprawls onto it, apparently uninterested in sleeping on the floor. Jesse helps him get his shoes and socks off but stops there. John can sleep in his clothes for one night. He goes to the bathroom and pees because he never got to do that and he really, _really_ had to, and then he goes to the hall closet and gets a blanket and some sheets and an extra pillow to make up a bed for himself on the floor, since Jamey’s on the couch, but when he comes back in John sits up and asks what he’s doing. “Sleep in the bed with me,” he says.  
  
“It’s too small,” says Jesse.  
  
“No it isn’t. What, you have a problem with touching me, now?”  
  
“John,” says Jesse. “You’re drunk.”  
  
Jesse and John have been behaving as average heterosexual boys for nearly three years now. Mostly. Jesse thinks about John but nothing happens between them. Jesse just dates girls. There were a few boys he thought were cute but he didn’t do anything about it, even though some of them maybe thought Jesse was kind of cute, too. He really only thought that because they reminded him of John, anyway. And John doesn’t want this. Didn’t, at least. Jesse _is_ sort of angry at him – angry that he’s been hooking up with boys but not Jesse. But he’s still mostly angry at himself, for not being good enough.  
  
Sometimes in the past when John’s been drunk he would do something just slightly inappropriate with Jesse. Once they were sitting in the backseat of someone’s car and John put his hand on Jesse’s inner thigh, and Jesse had to physically move him so no one would see, because he knew he’d catch shit from John if someone saw even though it was all John’s doing. The other times it was more innocent, less noticeable: hugging when there was nothing to hug about or sitting too close. It’s sort of a joke among their friends, how affectionate John gets when he’s drunk.  
  
“It would be…it would be taking advantage,” Jesse says now.  
  
“We won’t do anything,” John says. “Just sleep. Please?”  
  
And Jesse climbs into bed with him, because he can’t look at John and not want to give him everything he’s ever asked for.


	2. Chapter 2

They do just sleep, but they sleep holding each other. When Jesse wakes up, he gets out of bed and gets dressed. The sounds wake John, who must be hung over but does an admirable job of functioning. He swings his legs over the side of the bed but just sits there, and he looks at Jesse and Jesse knows he wants him to sit beside him so he does. Their pinkies brush.  
  
“Are you mad at me? Be honest.”  
  
“A little,” says Jesse. “I didn’t… I didn’t know you were hooking up with – with guys.”  
  
“I’m not. I mean, not really. Last night was… It was a one-time kind of thing. I just…I missed you.” His voice is small as he speaks the last sentence.  
  
“I didn’t go anywhere.”  
  
John bumps his shoulder against Jesse’s. “I didn’t think you wanted to. I thought you regretted it – those times we fooled around.”  
  
Jesse shakes his head in disbelief. “ _You_ were the one who got all upset about that. I didn’t even… I didn’t take it seriously. I didn’t think it was so big a deal.”  
  
“I know,” says John. “I did. That’s why.”  
  
They’re quiet for a little while.  
  
“Just be honest,” says John. “Just be honest and don’t judge me or anything. Do you…would you…want to?”  
  
“Want to what?”  
  
“Come on, dude; don’t make me say it.”  
  
Jesse smiles for a second but then doesn’t. “What’s different now? What’s changed?”  
  
“Me,” says John. “It’s… It can just be you and me, okay? Just you and me and, and, not a big deal; just you and me, and it’ll just be…it’ll just be about feeling good. It’s no one’s business.”  
  
“What are we, then? If we do that?”  
  
And John knows what Jesse means; knows he’s not talking about if they’ll be gay or what. “We’ll be friends,” John says. “Best friends. Like we are now. Except…more. In private.”  
  
“But…” says Jesse. “What about…what about…other people?”  
  
John bites his lip. “If I have you I won’t need anyone else,” he says.  
  
“Me too,” says Jesse. “I won’t either.”  
  
“Okay,” says John, and he smiles.  
  
“Okay,” says Jesse. “But I have to go to work now.”


	3. Chapter 3

John wants to move out of his parents’ house this summer so they try to take advantage of his bedroom as much as possible while they still can. They’re both busy – they work a lot for not a lot of money (the consequences of eschewing college), and there’s music to be played and shows to see and parties to attend. They have way more friends than they did in high school.  
  
But they sacrifice sleep for each other. It’s not like before. There’s no pretense; no ignoring; no forgetting. They know what they’re doing. In public nothing changes; no one suspects. In John’s bedroom, late at night, they kiss and touch without restraint.  
  
The first time they hook up, they go down on each other. Jesse does John first at his suggestion. Jesse knows he should argue that point, but he doesn’t. Making John moan isn’t a punishment. John sits on the edge of his bed, naked and resting his hands on his legs in the unnatural way he does when he’s nervous. A choked sort of whimper escapes his throat when Jesse pushes John’s thighs apart to give himself more room.  
  
It’s funny how Jesse's mind goes purely analytical the moment John’s cock is in his mouth: He doesn’t think about the lines they’ve just crossed, as men who don’t think of themselves as gay and as friends, but just about how to do what he’s doing well. He understands that you’re supposed to keep your lips tight, to create pressure, but he feels kind of like he might suffocate because he’s never had anything that big and solid in his mouth before. Then he remembers he can breathe through his nose and that helps.  
  
Jesse hasn’t watched a lot of porn, but he knows the basic method: sliding his hand up John’s length when he pulls back his mouth; getting a rhythm going that way. With each bob of his head he tries to get John a little deeper. This leads to the production of an unattractive gagging sound as John’s tip hits the back of Jesse’s throat. John doesn’t seem to mind. When Jesse’s teeth accidentally graze the underside of John’s shaft, Jesse almost pulls John’s cock out of his mouth to apologize, but John’s hands shoot out and into Jesse’s hair, which Jesse takes as a sign that John doesn’t mind _that_ , either.  
  
The only indication Jesse gets that John is about to come is the feeling of his fingers digging more tightly into his scalp and a quiet moan: “Fuck… I’m, fuck…” Jesse pulls away, John’s dick leaving his mouth with a comical _pop_ , just in time for John to come on Jesse’s neck.  
  
“Shit,” John says after he’s recovered. They both stand, and John gets a tissue and wipes him off. “Your shirt,” he says – some of the cum has slid down to Jesse’s collar.  
  
Jesse shrugs and pulls the shirt off. That’s a good reason to take it off: it being stained like that. The real reason he wants to take his shirt off is the same reason he takes his shirt off whenever he goes to the beach even if he’s not going in the water: He wants to show off the results of those hours he’s spent lifting free weights in his bedroom; the faintly discernible lines of his pectorals and the slow rounding of the muscles on his shoulders and arms.  
  
At John’s direction, Jesse lies down on his bed once his jeans and boxers lay in a crumpled heap on John’s floor. He is briefly embarrassed about the extent of the hard-on he already has, but that passes quickly because John is kneeling beside him, looking the way he looks right before he sets his fingers on a keyboard.  
  
Jesse closes his eyes, choosing not to see John’s hesitation, but they burst open when he feels John’s mouth on his cock, because he never imagined it would be _this_ good. The few blowjobs Jesse has ever gotten were nothing really spectacular, especially since about half the times the girl was really drunk which was probably why she agreed to do it. John is definitely not drunk. He does things Jesse hadn’t thought of. He alternates taking Jesse into his mouth as deeply as he can with taking him out altogether, just licking and kissing. It makes Jesse’s pleasure burn that much more, to be teased like that; he’s sure he can’t stand it. He keeps his eyes open and props himself up on his elbows, looking down at John in an awed haze.  
  
At one point Jesse’s hips buck forward involuntarily, and John gags a little, but he doesn’t stop; he puts his hands on Jesse to hold him down against the bed, and what a discovery _that_ is – that every kind of touch feels better when this is happening. Jesse’s skin burns under John’s palms, and John is just sucking now, sucking _hard_ , his cheeks hollowed out from the effort.  
  
“John…” Jesse mumbles. He lays his hands over John’s, squeezing at his fingers. “John, I’m close…” He’s not sure John will hear, because his voice feels funny in his throat; he is hyperventilating and it’s hard to say anything but wordless moans.  
  
John understands, though; he pulls off Jesse and replaces his mouth with a hand, pumping fast and hard, until the wave of pleasure building in Jesse breaks at last, and he comes all over John’s hand and himself.  
  
For the second time that night John goes to the tissue box and he cleans up Jesse – which is really something Jesse could’ve done himself, all things considered.  
  
Jesse’s head is sunk into John’s pillow, but he can still see John covertly lick a small dollop of Jesse’s cum off his hand before wiping the rest away with a tissue.  
  
Why would anyone do that without being asked? Probably he’s just curious, is all. Probably he just wants to know so that if he’s getting a girl to give him a blowjob, he’ll know what he’s asking of her if he asks her to take his load in her mouth. Which is a good idea, really; Jesse wishes he’d thought to taste some.  
  
They put their boxers back on. John turns off the light and they climb into his bed.  
  
Jesse clears his throat, staring up into the darkness. His eyes haven’t adjusted yet. “So, that was…”  
  
“Fun,” John supplies.  
  
“Yeah,” says Jesse, though that’s not exactly the word he’d use to describe it. Maybe _one_ of the words. Not the _only_ word.  
  
“All right,” says John. “Well, good night.”  
  
“Night,” Jesse replies. They turn on their sides, backs to each other. Jesse closes his eyes but doesn’t sleep. He doesn’t really think, but he doesn’t sleep, either. After a while, when John’s breathing has gone even, Jesse rolls onto his other side so that his hands just barely touch John’s back and the tip of his nose brushes, just slightly, just a little, against the back of his neck.


	4. Chapter 4

They kiss a lot. _A lot_ a lot. It’s better than Jesse remembered – practiced; not sloppy. John figures out that Jesse likes it when he kisses his neck, and he’s careful not to leave hickies. Jesse learns that John goes nuts for a little bit of biting – just tiny nips – especially along his jaw.  
  
They try new things. They sixty-nine, but it almost doesn’t happen because as soon as John crawls on top of Jesse he says, “If you let off, dude, I’m going to kill you, I swear to God.” And then John rolls off and they laugh themselves silly, but then John climbs back on and they both find out how hard it is to concentrate on anything when someone’s giving you head, and that it’s fun to try anyway.  
  
The only thing is that they have to be quiet. Usually they kiss through the moans, but sometimes one person’s mouth is otherwise occupied. To remedy this, John finds an old bandanna – incidentally, from the Christian day camp both boys once attended – that they keep handy to use as a gag.  
  
One night John is going down on Jesse and Jesse forgets about the bandanna and moans loudly – much too loudly. John stops and won’t continue even when it becomes clear that no one is coming to investigate. So after their hushed argument Jesse decides he’ll just finish himself, and he does so while John watches, both glaring at each other through much of it. And then just as Jesse’s about to come John moves away Jesse’s hand and takes him in his mouth and takes _it_ in his mouth, every drop, and swallows. And it’s the first time either has ever done that, and they’re both surprised, and they lie down together and kiss softly even though Jesse feels kind of funny about it, what with what John just did with his mouth.  
  
There are lines, though. They both know them but don’t bring them up. They move slowly, and it makes those things seem farther off.  
  
John is on top of Jesse and he stops kissing him to take Jesse’s hand. He puts a finger in his mouth, sucking it gently, and Jesse thinks that’s all it’s going to be until John guides Jesse’s hand back to John’s opening.  
  
Jesse isn’t really sure what to do, and he’s fairly occupied with both his and John’s cocks, and not to mention the kissing, so he rubs, hoping it’s like how when you’re fingering a girl rubbing is more important than actually putting your fingers in anywhere. He pushes a little too, with his wet finger, just barely, but it makes John groan and speed up the movement of his hips.  
  
It’s months before John produces a tube of body lotion. He clears his throat and says. “I think we should try… Just try. You – you do me.”  
  
It breaks Jesse’s heart, because he knows John must have been mortified to buy something that was so obviously going to be used as lube, but he says, “No.”  
  
“Oh, fuck you. Come on, seriously? I offered to play catcher and you’re turning me down?”  
  
“I don’t want to,” he says.  
  
“You don’t fucking want to?” John raises an eyebrow, comes up to Jesse, and sticks his hands down the blue-eyed boy’s pants. Jesse’s cock responds immediately, and John looks him dead in the eye.  
  
Jesse pulls away. “John, no. I don’t want to.”  
  
It’s a vestige of his Christian upbringing: Jesse only wants to have sex ( _real_ sex) with one person his whole life. They don’t have to be married, but they do have to intend to be together forever. He wants that one thing to be special and sacred and clean; free of memories of others.  
  
John does not feel the same. He lost his virginity when he was eighteen. Jesse doesn’t mind that John has slept with girls – he doesn’t really mind if anyone sleeps with anyone – but it’s just not something he wants to do; not yet. John knows this.  
  
“Would you fuck me if I was a girl?” he asks. And he says it in a hateful sort of way, but Jesse can tell he’s scared. He goes to John and gathers him in his arms, and just that is enough to start John crying, and Jesse can feel his hurt, can feel the rejection seeping out from his skin, and he just wants to make it better but not with sex.  
  
“John, you know that’s not what it is,” he says. They go to the bed and sit down, John curled up into Jesse, and Jesse kisses the top of his head. “You’re a guy. I’m glad you’re a guy. I wouldn’t change you if I could. If you weren’t a guy, who would I watch baseball with? Who would go see disgusting movies with me? Who would help me fix my stupid shitty car?” And it’s silly to say, because Jesse knows there are plenty of girls who would do those things; that those things are not what make John a guy, but it’s easy and it makes John feel better.  
  
When John calms down he looks up at Jesse and says, “I’m sorry,” and Jesse just shrugs and says “Don’t be.” He doesn’t apologize for not wanting to have real sex.  
  
“But,” says John slowly. “It doesn’t have to be – like – like that. There are other…ways.” And John kisses Jesse’s fingers and Jesse understands.  
  
“Not tonight,” he says. “Another time. When no one’s home.” He hopes John thinks it’s just because he’s nervous and doesn’t want to be caught in such an incredibly compromising position, but really it’s because he wants to be able to leave the room and wash his hands immediately after.  
  
He really doesn’t wish John was a girl. He really does like John the way he is, even though he isn’t attracted to a lot of guys. John’s different. Special. John might actually be the only guy Jesse is really attracted too, and he’s not sure what that makes him. “Bisexual” is definitely too strong a word.  
  
It’s not important, though. What’s important is what happens in John’s bed on a cool spring night.  
  
They are lying together, drifting to sleep. Coming that hard takes a lot out of a person. And John says, “I love you, Jess.”  
  
And Jesse puts his hand on John’s chest, feels the hair growing there, and says, “I know you do.” He does know. And John knows he loves him. They’ve been best friends since they were nine. Of course they love each other. Just because they’re boys and boys don’t talk about loving their friends doesn’t mean they don’t still love them.  
  
“No,” says John hesitantly. “I – I’m…I’m _in_ love with you.”  
  
Jesse pulls himself up a little bit so he can look at John’s face. He looks terrified, like if he could figure out how to run away, he would. Jesse kisses him; melts into him; whispers again and again, “I love you too, I love you too.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Do you have to go?” John asks.  
  
“It’s only a week,” says Jesse.  
  
They’re sitting in John’s car eating Wendy’s drive-through. They don’t usually have conversations like this outside of John’s bedroom, even when they’re alone; it’s odd.  
  
“I’m just – I’m going to miss you,” says John.  
  
“It’s only a week,” Jesse repeats. “I’ll miss you too, but it won’t be that long.” They’ve gone longer before without seeing each other _that_ way since they started this whole thing, so Jesse isn’t totally sure why John’s so upset that he’s going on a teeny-tiny tour for a week.  
  
“You’ll call me, right?”  
  
Jesse shrugs, uncomfortable. He doesn’t know if he’ll have time, and he knows it’ll look funny – what could he have to say to his friend that can’t wait until he gets home? “Yeah, I don’t know,” he says. “If I can.”  
  
“Stop being like that,” John says.  
  
“Like what?”  
  
“Like such a jerk!” He’s glaring at Jesse.  
  
“Me?” says Jesse, pissed now. “I don’t even know what you’re so upset about! You want me to call you? What do you think’s going to happen, –?”  
  
The end of the sentence is “we’re going to have phone sex or something?”, but John doesn’t take it like that, and he cuts Jesse off.  
  
“I think you’re going to hook up with someone else!”  
  
Jesse stares at him for a few seconds and mutters, “You’re crazy.”  
  
“I’m crazy? You’re fucking cute, Jesse, and I’ve seen how Brian looks at you even if you haven’t.”  
  
Jesse chokes on a sip of his soda. “You think I’m going to hook up with a _guy_?” The fact that Brian specifically is mentioned barely even registers with Jesse. “I’m not gay,” he says.  
  
“You are a little bit,” says John.  
  
Jesse can’t deny that. “A _really_ little bit,” he says. “Tiny. For you. And I wouldn’t – I would _never_. God, especially with Brian!” That part of John’s statement has finally hit home. “I mean, shit, like The Rookie Lot doesn’t have enough problems without me turning him into a Yoko. And Brian’s straight, anyway. I’m like ninety-nine percent sure.”  
  
John smiles a little bit. “I don’t think that would be Yoko-ing, though. Doesn’t the Yoko need to be outside the band?”  
  
“He’d be Yoko-ing you and me,” Jesse clarifies. “Unless you want to be the Yoko,” he says with a grin. “I’ll become best friends with Brian and then you can steal me away.” He leans over to John, aiming to give him a peck on the lips, just a small one, but John pulls away.  
  
“Jess,” he says sharply, glancing out the windows. The nearest people are twenty feet away and not even looking at them and it’s dark, anyway, but Jesse just sits back in his seat and eats his fries moodily.


	6. Chapter 6

The day comes, somewhat unexpectedly. Neither of the boys have work, so Jesse was going to come over anyway, and the fact that Michelle will be babysitting all night was just a nice bonus, but then John’s second-cousin-once-removed dies, and his parents drive upstate for the wake and funeral and will be gone overnight, and so John takes out the tube of body lotion again.  
  
“Are you sure?” they keep asking each other. Because by the conventional heterosexual standards in which they were raised, neither boy is doing something particularly desirable. But they’ll try it, because they’ve both heard that magic word – _prostate_ – and John wants to know and Jesse just wants John to feel good.  
  
“How do we –?” Jesse stammers.  
  
“I don’t know,” says John honestly. He laughs. “And you don’t either. So…”  
  
“We’ll figure it out,” says Jesse.  
  
They strip down, John all the way and Jesse to his boxers. They kiss a little, because it’s easy and comfortable and it makes the room seem not as loud. Then John opens the tube. He squeezes a big blob onto Jesse’s finger and then a little bit onto his own, and reaches behind himself, but it’s awkward.  
  
“Maybe –,” Jesse offers. “Maybe, like, kneel down?”  
  
John does; kneels in front of Jesse and bends forward and supports himself on one forearm, then reaches back his hand and rubs his dollop lotion over his opening.  
  
Jesse watches as he slowly spreads the lotion over his own finger, and he jumps a little when John gives a small sigh of satisfaction.  
  
“Okay,” says John, and he moves away his hand and just kneels there, ass in the air, right in front of Jesse. He would laugh if he wasn’t sure it would completely destroy John’s self-esteem – the older boy is so nervous that he’s shaking slightly. Jesse leans forward and kisses the small of his back, and that seems to relax him some.  
  
He slides his finger in slowly, slightly amazed that it works, that you can actually put something up there. Then he realizes he’s probably supposed to move his finger, but he’s not really sure how, so he kind of wriggles it around in an imitation of an earthworm. John inhales sharply.  
  
“Tell me if you want me to stop,” Jesse instructs him. John already knows he’s supposed to but they’ve been repeating themselves a lot tonight.  
  
“Mmm,” murmurs John. “Don’t.”  
  
Jesse keeps working his finger for a while longer, and then John says, in a voice edged with both discomfort and lust, “Maybe – um…maybe…two?”  
  
So Jesse takes his forefinger out and squeezes some lotion onto his middle finger, and almost makes a joke about “giving John the finger” but doesn’t. Just as he starts pressing back into John, he reaches down and starts tugging at his cock, and Jesse feels like maybe he’s supposed to be the one to do that but John doesn’t seem to mind and Jesse kind of wants to focus on his own task.  
  
Using two fingers offers new options, because now he can scissor them apart a little, and John seems to like that but Jesse doesn’t do it too much, because this isn’t about stretching John because Jesse still doesn’t intend to have real sex with him.  
  
He’s wriggling his fingers when all of a sudden John cries out, and for a second Jesse thinks he’s hurt him, but then he realizes it’s a good sound, and then he thinks it must be from what John’s doing, but then he realizes John’s never made a sound like that just from jacking off, especially not just on his own, so it must be something Jesse’s doing, and then he realizes he can _feel it_ , can feel the little bump inside John that he was looking for, and he enthusiastically goes at it again and again.  
  
John screams like he never has before, even the times they’ve been completely alone and haven’t had to worry about being quiet. His hand moves furiously and the arm holding him up is shaking and he shouts “Jesus fucking Christ, Jesse!” and comes _hard_ , all over his bedding because for all their worrying they didn’t think to put down a towel.  
  
“You’re going to need to wash your sheets,” Jesse says, laughing, as he pulls his fingers out of John, and John is still gasping a little bit and he collapses and rolls away from the stain and looks up at Jesse with a haze of bliss over his eyes. “Um,” says Jesse, holding up his hand, “I’m going to go…”  
  
John nods and Jesse gets up and goes to the bathroom and washes his hands, and just as they feel clean again John comes in and turns Jesse around and pulls down his boxers and gives him a blowjob; the long, teasing kind that make Jesse moan too loudly. It’s okay because they’re alone and John actually likes to hear Jesse moan if he’s not worried it’s going to give them away. He looks up with those big eyes as Jesse comes in his mouth, and keeps looking as he swallows it, but then he brushes his teeth because he knows Jesse doesn’t like cum-breath even though John does.  
  
And just as John’s spitting out the toothpaste they hear the front door open and Michelle calls, “John?” and they both freeze.  
  
John looks like he might die but Jesse thinks on his feet and grabs a towel and puts it around John’s waist and splashes some water in his hair and pushes him out the door, and John manages to hold it together long enough to talk to Michelle downstairs while Jesse sneaks back to John’s room and gets dressed, and even has the idea to put John’s clothes in the bathroom because why would John strip down for a shower in his bedroom, in front of his platonic best friend?  
  
When Michelle comes upstairs to go to her room Jesse is lying across John’s bed reading a magazine, artfully covering the cum stain, and he waves and says, “Hi Michelle,” through the open doorway, because there’s nothing to hide here.  
  
John comes up too, and Jesse jerks his head in the direction of the bathroom and John miraculously gets it and goes in there to get dressed and then comes back in the room and closes and locks the door and dives onto the bed and starts crying, but not too loudly because maybe Michelle will hear.  
  
Jesse holds him and strokes his hair and whispers that it’s okay, they didn’t get caught, it’s okay, and then he takes a deep breath and says, “Michelle wouldn’t even care, anyway,” but John does not respond to this so Jesse doesn’t push it.  
  
When John stops crying they get up and Jesse strips the bed and goes and gets new sheets and the stain stick for the old ones and he remakes the bed while John stands there with his arms crossed, shivering a little bit even though it’s not cold. And when Jesse’s done John still just stands there, staring at him, and his eyes look hollow and sad. So Jesse goes over and very gently uncrosses John’s arm and lifts his shirt over his head and pulls down his pants. He undresses himself to his boxers and leads John to the bed and guides him in, and then he climbs in and kisses John’s cheek and turns on his side.  
  
And then John puts his arm around Jesse’s middle, because even though he’s upset and scared he still remembers that Jesse likes that because everyone always assumes he’ll be the big spoon and sometimes he wants to be the little one.


	7. Chapter 7

Summer comes and John has, through some kind of black magic, scraped together enough money to move out of his parents’ house – and into an apartment with four other guys, two of whom John shares a room with.  
  
This presents a serious problem to John and Jesse’s habit of groping each other, because now they _both_ live with too many other people and sleep in twin beds. Jesse still has a room to himself, but the walls are thin.  
  
Their best option is to take drives together and park in dark, empty lots. John immediately stops mocking Jesse’s ancient Toyota with the bench seats, and is even known to praise it from time to time, especially times when he’s lying on his back under Jesse. Without access to running water, fingering is rare; usually it’s a heat-of-the-moment sort of thing. John still hasn’t done it to Jesse, who, despite John’s enthusiastic endorsements, can’t really imagine what all the fuss is about.  
  
John offers to give Jesse road head one night, but Jesse says if he does that he’ll definitely get into a car accident and wouldn’t that be sort of hard to explain? So thanks but no thanks, and if John wants to go down on him while the car’s in park he definitely won’t complain.  
  
They talk sometimes about going away together for a weekend; staying in a B&B or even just a cheap motel. Jesse tries to picture it, the two of them on a queen-sized bed, naked and tangled together, and he always sees sunlight streaming onto them, but he’s never seen what John’s body looks like naked on a bed in sunlight. Neither has the money for it, even just a cheap motel, but they talk about it, sometimes.


	8. Chapter 8

The worst part about hooking up in a car is that they usually keep their clothes mostly on in case they need to leave in a hurry and besides, there’s not a lot of room. Jesse misses John’s chest.  
  
“So, I got invited with a plus-one to my cousin’s wedding,” John says. They’re lounging as best they can in the back seat. Jesse’s hand rests lazily between John’s legs.  
  
“Yeah?” says Jesse, unconcerned. Maybe John wants him to come. Just as friends, obviously, just as someone to hang around with. That could be kind of fun.  
  
“Yeah, and, um…my parents want me to bring a date. Like, a real date.”  
  
“Oh,” Jesse murmurs. He doesn’t really know what he’s supposed to say.  
  
“I mean, they’re worried, I guess, because I haven’t brought a girl around in a while, and I told them I’ve been too busy to date, but…”  
  
“But they want to be sure you’re not going to end up some filthy old bachelor?”  
  
“Yeah, I guess.”  
  
“Mmm. My parents have been kind of like that too.”  
  
“So…” John clears his throat. “So I’m going to bring a date, then.”  
  
“Bring someone really pretty,” says Jesse. “That’ll make ’em happy.”  
  
“So you don’t mind?”  
  
“No,” says Jesse, his shrug made awkward by his position. “Why should I? I know you love me.”  
  
“Yeah, I do,” says John, and he smiles and turns to kiss Jesse who smiles and kisses back.  
  
What Jesse doesn’t realize at the time is that he’s just given John permission to have a girlfriend.


	9. Chapter 9

John still brings up what they’re not doing, sometimes.  
  
“I just don’t get what the problem is,” he says, even though he does and they both know he does.  
  
“It’s real sex,” Jesse says. “I don’t want to. Besides, we don’t have anywhere to do it even if I _did_ want to.”  
  
“That shouldn’t be a reason,” John snaps. “Doing this or not doing this shouldn’t be about _logistics_.” He sort of has a point, but so does Jesse. They’ve only once done anything more than the briefest of kisses at John’s apartment, and they got interrupted (but not caught), and John was so shaken up that his roommate asked what was wrong and Jesse made up a lie about how they found a dead possum under the steps, because possums were the grossest local animal he could think of, and now John has to pretend to have a paralyzing fear of possums even though they don’t really freak him out any more than then next person.  
  
“Fine, it’s not a reason,” Jesse grumbles. “I still don’t want to.”  
  
“I don’t get _why_ , though,” says John. “What are you even _waiting_ for?”  
  
Jesse doesn’t say anything.  
  
“What, do you think you’re going to find some girl some day and settle down and she’s going to be your _soul mate_? And you’ll just drop me, just like that? Or maybe you’re just going to find _any_ girl, and _she’ll_ be the one you fuck, but you’ll still come to me, won’t you, looking for blowjobs and comfort?”  
  
Jesse knows John’s right, even though he’s not sure what about. He doesn’t know how John fits into his future. He can’t imagine not being friends with him, and he can’t imagine being friends with him and not doing this, too, now that it’s been going on for what is technically about a year but feels like forever, in a good way. But he also knows it’s not completely his fault. “Isn’t that what _you’re_ doing?” he asks. “What about Karen?”  
  
“At least I don’t do anything with Karen that I don’t do with you,” John spits right back. “Or that I _wouldn’t_ do with you, because at least she fucks me. And I go down on you all the time and I never go down on her.”  
  
“Not ‘all the time’,” says Jesse. “We hardly ever see each other and when we do we’re stuck in the back of some dark fucking car –”  
  
“What do you want from me? _You_ could move out of your parents’ _too_ , you know –”  
  
“Yeah, right; you know I don’t have the money and it would just be the same as where you’re living –”  
  
“Well it still wouldn’t change anything, because you won’t fuck me! Because I’m not good enough for precious Jesse Lacey’s precious virginity!”  
  
“We don’t –!” The beginning of the sentence bursts out before he can stop it. He doesn’t want to say it, but John’s glaring at him and he knows he has to; it has to be said eventually so he might as well say it now. “We don’t have a future together,” he says quietly. “And that’s not completely my fault, because you don’t want _anyone_ to know; _no one_ , even though you _know_ there are people who wouldn’t care. And I’m not sleeping with someone I don’t have a future with.”  
  
“What would be so different if anyone knew?” John asks.  
  
Jesse rolls his eyes because John’s just being unreasonable now. “You know it would be different. Come on. We could ask people to give us time alone in your apartment. Shit, even if you just told Michelle, she would help us get time at your parents’ house.”  
  
“But we’d still have no future,” says John. “What, you think you’re going to marry me? Adopt babies and live in some fucking faggot house in the suburbs? Nine-to-five job and a husband waiting at home? Get real.”  
  
“Fuck you, John,” Jesse says. “It doesn’t have to be like that. We could get an apartment in the city. We could _be_ together. We could be a _couple_.”  
  
“No, _we_ can’t. _We_ don’t just move to the fucking Village and march in the pride parade.”  
  
“We could,” says Jesse stubbornly.  
  
“No we can’t! We’re two broke motherfucking Nassau County assholes who think they’re going to be musicians or some shit, and everyone we know thinks we’re straight and my dad’s a pastor and _I’m not even gay_.”  
  
“Look,” says Jesse desperately, “I’m not saying – I’m not saying _everything_ has to change, I’m not saying we have to stand on a soap box on some corner shouting that we love each other, but something, _something_ has to be different. Even if we just told one other person, just one person, just so this isn’t all on us, all in our heads –”  
  
“Are you fucking breaking up with me?” John asks, and Jesse almost laughs, because girls have asked him if he’s breaking up with them in the past, but no one’s ever said it like that, never “ _Are you fucking breaking up with me?_ ”; never with that look like Jesse might get a black eye if the answer is yes.  
  
But he doesn’t laugh because it’s too serious and it hurts too much. “No,” he says. “I don’t want to. This is – it’s supposed to be about feeling good, right? We can still fool around and everything but I’m not – I’m not going to sleep with you if we don’t tell anyone.”  
  
And that’s a big deal, because now John has to agree to tell just one person, just one, and Jesse will sleep with him, when before he was only going to sleep with him if he thought they were going to be together forever, and neither is stupid enough to think that telling just one person will ensure _that_.  
  
“Okay,” says John. “Okay.”  
  
But they don’t tell anyone, and they don’t sleep together.


	10. Chapter 10

Their ability to separate the different threads of their lives is remarkable. When they are not alone, they are just friends – the best of friends, but just friends, like anyone else. Even when they’re alone, sometimes they’re still just friends. Jesse hangs out with John’s girlfriend and barely feels bad at all. He sort of likes her; she’s nice. John smiles a lot when she’s around.  
  
But it scares Jesse because sometimes he almost forgets that he’s in love with John and he doesn’t want to. He wants to be in love with him all the time, every second of every day.


	11. Chapter 11

Eddie Reyes talks to John about forming a band and John wants Jesse to come in on bass. John is excited. Jesse isn’t as excited even though he’s not playing with The Rookie Lot anymore. He thinks maybe he and John shouldn’t be in a real official band together, and Eddie Reyes only does real official bands.  
  
“We can write songs together,” John whispers in his ear. They are in the back of Jesse’s car again, in the parking lot of a Staples in Suffolk county. One night, Jesse sometimes thinks, they’ll drive so far east in search of somewhere to be alone together, they’ll get to Montauk. Maybe they’ll drive right into the ocean.  
  
“We’re awful at writing songs together,” Jesse whispers back. He says it in a playful way but it’s true. They always end up ripping each other’s heads off.  
  
“Then we won’t write songs together,” says John. He is in Jesse’s lap, straddling him, and he bends down and puts his mouth to Jesse’s neck the way he likes. “We’ll write songs separate and then we’ll watch each other play them,” he says between kisses.  
  
Jesse _does_ like to watch John play guitar, in a way he’s never liked to watch anyone play guitar, in a way that makes him understand why groupies exist. He feels a stir of pleasure to know that John likes to watch him play in that way, too.  
  
“It might be harder, though,” says Jesse. “It might be harder to hide – you know, playing together all the time, and maybe going on tour and stuff –”  
  
John looks at him and Jesse wishes, wishes badly, that John will just say, “Then let’s not hide it,” but he says, “We can do it. And we’ll see each other more. Don’t you want to see me more?”  
  
He does; of course he does. They don’t get to see each other nearly as much as he likes. But Jesse wants to see John more alone, and he wants to see him more alone in rooms with beds, and he wants to see John in public and not feel alone, and he wants to kiss John in a movie theater and hold his hand under the table at a diner.  
  
Jesse touches the back of John’s head: his soft, short hair that is damp with sweat, and down to the hot skin of his neck.  
  
“Promise you won’t dump me when we’re famous?” Jesse asks.  
  
John smiles and kisses him. “So, okay?”  
  
Jesse nods. “I’m in if you’re in.”


	12. Chapter 12

John and Karen set Jesse up with one of Karen’s friends. Her name is Francesca; Frankie for short. The two couples go on a double date together – very casual, just meeting up at a diner. The whole thing is sort of a disaster.  
  
Maybe not a _disaster_ , but within ten minutes it’s clear that Jesse and Frankie won’t be having a second date. Jesse tries to be nice. It just seems so funny to him – he has a hard time not laughing at everything Frankie says. He knows he’s coming off as a condescending prick, but he can’t muster up the will to care.  
  
They talk about the band. Frankie says they’re really good.  
  
“Yeah? You came to a show?” Jesse asks. He stretches his arm across the back of the booth.  
  
Frankie nods enthusiastically. “You guys were great,” she says. “You especially,” she adds, giving Jesse a seductive sort of smile.  
  
Jesse takes a sip of his soda. “Where was it?” he asks. “We haven’t played too many gigs; I probably remember it.”  
  
“Oh, um…” Frankie’s smile falters; she glances nervously to Karen. “Uh… I forget. It was a while ago, so…”  
  
Jesse doesn’t say anything; he continues to look at her expectantly. He knows he’s being an asshole.  
  
“It was, um…this bar. It was…dark.”  
  
Karen clears her throat and starts complaining that their food is taking too long. Jesse exchanges a look with John, an amused smile on his face. John doesn’t look amused at first; he looks sort of upset – but after a moment of eye contact, his face morphs into a smirk to match Jesse’s.  
  
The band has finally settled on a name: Taking Back Sunday. They all really like it. In an act of mercy, Jesse brings that up to show that he’s moved past the topic of Frankie’s obvious lie. She and Karen think it’s a cool name too. Karen asks where it’s from, and John explains that Eddie suggested it; it’s from a song by The Waiting Process. She remembers Derrick Sherman, doesn’t she? His band.  
  
“Oh, right,” says Karen. “Yeah, I know Derrick. That’s cool. I just thought it might be something religious at first.”  
  
“Religious?” asks John. Probably Jesse is the only one who notices the change in his tone. It’s very slight. Jesse just knows John that well.  
  
“Yeah, you know, I mean, ‘Taking Back _Sunday_ ’?”  
  
“Oh,” says John. “I didn’t really think of that.”  
  
“Why, are you guys religious?” asks Frankie uncertainly. Jesse can’t tell if she wants them to be or not. He glances down at her neck, but if she’s wearing a cross he doesn’t see it. He realizes a moment too late that it looks like he’s checking out her rack.  
  
“Not really,” John mumbles.  
  
Karen is eyeing him carefully. “They went to South Shore Christian,” she explains.  
  
“That’s not a Catholic school,” Frankie says.  
  
“Yeah, we know,” says Jesse.  
  
Frankie blushes. “I just thought… I mean, I assumed…”  
  
Her awkward stammering is interrupted by the waitress, who has brought their food.  
  
The dates end in the parking lot. Karen and Frankie came together from work and Jesse drove John – the unspoken idea was that if the date went well, Jesse would leave with Frankie and Karen would take John home. Since Frankie can barely look at Jesse by the end of the night, she says a quick goodbye and jumps into Karen’s front seat; Karen and John are still having their good night kiss.  
  
Jesse bursts out laughing about five minutes into driving John home. John joins him. They’ve settled down by the time they arrive.  
  
“You want to come in for a beer?” John asks.  
  
Jesse nods. It doesn’t matter in the slightest that he has to get up early for work tomorrow morning.  
  
As per usual, there is nowhere to be alone in John’s apartment. They grab a bottle each from the fridge and go back outside to the little concrete patio. There are wrought-iron garden chairs out there that always leave rust marks on their clothes; Jesse and John sit and open their beers. The chairs face the fence at the end of the patio that divides John’s building from the bordering property. Some kind of leafy growth hangs over it, presumably to provide a little more ambiance than the chain-link fence, threaded with strips of aluminum – it peeks through in places; a dull reminder of suburbia.  
  
They stay quiet for a while, just drinking. Jesse has always valued that in a relationship. Un-awkward silences.  
  
“Do you still believe in God?” John asks.  
  
Jesse is a little surprised by the question, but tries not to show it. “Yeah,” he says. “Not the same way, but…yeah.”  
  
“I’m not sure if I do,” John says softly. Jesse knows that’s what really kills John – the not knowing. If he could just pick one and stick with it, he’d feel better.  
  
Jesse only shrugs for a reply. It was a big deal to him as a kid, but not anymore. He’s come to the conclusion that people just believe in God or they don’t. That’s all there is to it.  
  
“Do you know what my dad said the other day?” John asks. “He said, ‘Hate the sin; love the sinner.’”  
  
“Well, that’s…good,” Jesse struggles. “I mean, right? He’s saying that just because you sin, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It’s not who you are.”  
  
John mumbles, and Jesse only barely catches it: “I am my sin.”  
  
“And it’s _not_ a sin, anyway. It’s not. Jesus never even talked about it. He just talked about loving and accepting people. So it’s not a sin.”  
  
Jesse watches John, but John’s staring at the wall of green a few feet away from them.  
  
“I mean, it’s only in the Old Testament,” Jesse presses, “which everyone knows is the worse of the two Testaments. It’s all stupid rules and shit. And God punishing people. I mean, come on. God’s a total douchebag in the Old Testament. Who gives a shit what He said back then?”  
  
John finally turns to look at Jesse, a little smile on his face. “Jesse, Jesse, Jesse,” he chides. “And you call yourself a Christian. What would your mother say?”  
  
Jesse laughs, relieved. “Nothing good.”  
  
“Hey, come here,” John says. He sets his beer on the concrete and stands; Jesse does the same. John motions Jesse over right against the wall of the building, where no one looking out the windows could see them. He glances around, making sure they’re alone, and then kisses Jesse softly.  
  
When they break apart, Jesse is giggling like some ditzy high school girl. “You know what?” Jesse asks. “If our parents weren’t Christian, they wouldn’t have sent us to South Shore. We wouldn’t have met when we did. We would’ve missed years and years of being best friends, because we only would’ve met…I don’t even know. Maybe never. Or we would’ve met but not really become friends because we didn’t get the chance to get to know each other, you know?”  
  
“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right,” John says.  
  
“So I’m glad my parents are Christian, even if it sucks,” Jesse says hopefully, “because in exchange I get you.”  
  
And John gives him exactly what he wants: He smiles, and his fingertips brush the hem of Jesse’s shirt, and he says, “Me too. I’m glad my parents are Christian too.”


	13. Chapter 13

Jesse is driving back from a bar. John is in the front seat, looking out the window. Antonio is passed out in the back.  
  
At a red light, Jesse reaches over to turn up the heater. John reaches over and takes Jesse’s hand.  
  
For a moment he is too stunned to react, but then he yanks his hand away and turns back to check on Antonio. He doesn’t appear to be conscious.  
  
“What’d you do that for?” Jesse hisses.  
  
John shrugs.  
  
It takes ten minutes to wake up Antonio when they get to his place and both John and Jesse to help him inside. They return to the car and Jesse starts driving as usual, but then turns down a side street and pulls over.  
  
“John,” Jesse says. John is looking out the window again, as though they aren’t parked in front of an ordinary darkened house.  
  
“John,” Jesse repeats. Then he lifts John’s hand from his lap; holds it in his.  
  
John leaves it there for a moment, but then pulls it away as violently as Jesse had. He glares at Jesse, his eyes blazing. “Oh, so _now_ you want to hold hands?”  
  
“John, come on –”  
  
“No, fuck you. You’re the one who always wants that – wants more than fooling around. But I guess you only want it at _your_ convenience, right?”  
  
Jesse feels like he’s in an episode of _The Twilight Zone_. He has no idea how this fight happened. “That’s not – I don’t –,” he sputters. “ _You’re_ the one who’s terrified someone’s going to find out! I was just trying to protect you; I figured you were drunk –”  
  
“I’m not drunk!” John shouts, though he plainly is.  
  
Jesse sighs. Again he takes John’s hand. This time, John doesn’t pull it away.  
  
After several moments of silence, John begins to speak. “Sometimes I pretend we’re on a date,” he says. “The way I know you want. When we’re alone, but when we’re with other people, too; like our friends are just really inconsiderate and we’re not into PDA.”  
  
“Yeah?” Jesse has had the same sort of thoughts, from time to time.  
  
“Yeah. It’s okay when we’re alone together, around strangers or whatever – but with our friends and stuff… One time I convinced myself that Eddie was looking at us funny. Like he knew what I was pretending even though it was only in my head. Or like he was pretending too – like he was in on it, reacting the way he would if it was real, if we were really on a date.”  
  
Jesse pinches the bridge of his nose with his free hand. It’s always this bullshit with John.  
  
“But that’s why I took your hand – I wanted to see what it would be like to pretend we were on a date and we were the kind of couple who did that sort of thing.”  
  
“With Antonio in the back seat?”  
  
“Yeah – I figured it would be like being on a date with a friend third-wheeling, except Antonio wouldn’t actually see.”  
  
“Okay,” says Jesse. “So what was it like? Was it how you imagined?”  
  
“I don’t know. You pulled away so fast.”  
  
“Well, I didn’t know what you were doing,” Jesse says irritably.  
  
“Yeah, well.”  
  
“All right, so – maybe we could try again sometime. When we both know. See what it’s like.”  
  
“I don’t know,” says John. He’s looking at their hands instead of Jesse. “It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing. It just seemed like a good opportunity, with Antonio still there but passed out.”  
  
“I’m sure he’ll pass out again at some point…”  
  
John shrugs.  
  
“Um, John, look – I have to tell you something.”  
  
John’s eyes are still on his lap.  
  
“You know how I’ve been writing some stuff with Brandon, re-working some old stuff…” John gives no acknowledgement that he’s heard. “Well, anyway, I think I want to, you know, go with it, but…but with Brian. Brian Lane? He called me and we talked about playing together again, and – well, just, I think it would work better with him and Garrett, you know, than with you guys, and…”  
  
John nods. “You never wanted to be a bass player.”  
  
“It’s not – I mean, fuck, I don’t want to be, like, some asshole who feels like he’s not getting enough attention or whatever, it’s just –”  
  
“No, I get it,” says John. He sounds like he _does_ get it, but his face is frozen into a funny expression. He raises their hands a bit, examines the shape they take when folded together like that.  
  
“I mean, I’m not, like, _quitting_ or anything. I’ll still record like we’re supposed to and play with you guys and everything, but, just, I’m also going to play with them, and… I mean, I’ll make sure you have someone to replace me before I really leave, you know? Okay?”  
  
John nods again, slowly. He’s set their hands down and is looking ahead of him, through the windshield. “Yeah,” he says eventually.  
  
“I guess I should drive you home,” Jesse says. His hand is still in John’s; the engine is still off.  
  
“Mmm.” John rubs the back of Jesse’s hand with his thumb for a moment, then lets go. “I love you,” he offers.  
  
Jesse almost can’t stand it. “I love you too.”


	14. Chapter 14

It’s approaching four in the morning, and Jesse is spectacularly drunk. He has been for a while. When his parents called to wish him a happy New Year, they could definitely tell, and that was hours ago.  
  
It’s not just a new year. It’s a new decade, and a new century, and a new millennium.  
  
By one, John was slurring so badly that he couldn’t even say “millennium”. He kept saying “melaahneeuhm”, and everyone would laugh so he kept repeating it.  
  
Now John is passed out on the floor. Jesse is really tired and wants to sleep too, but he can’t figure out where to lie down. He wants to be near John, but he’s afraid he might half wake up and forget where they are and spoon John or maybe something more. They’re in Dennis’ basement and there are a lot of other people around. But he doesn’t want to sleep away from John, either.  
  
Since he can’t decide what to do but is exhausted, he slumps into an armchair. It’s not really comfortable but he knows instantly that he can’t get up again. So he just sits there and looks at John.  
  
They didn’t kiss at midnight. Jesse wanted to. He fantasized about it so much that it almost feels like it happened. In Jesse’s fantasy, he pulled John away from the crowd a few minutes before midnight and they found some small, private space. A supply closet or a bathroom stall. They listened to the people outside counting down, and just as everyone started screaming at the top of their lungs, they pressed their lips together. This is the biggest New Year’s celebration they will see in their lives, so they should kiss each other, because John is the only person Jesse would want to be with for the next thousand years.  
  
What actually happened was that while John was kissing Karen, Jesse was unexpectedly kissed by Cindy Culkin, and immediately after breaking apart from him she started screaming. Not like, scared-screaming or angry-screaming, but a sort of “ _Woooooo!_ ” that might’ve been followed by her pulling up her shirt for the _Girls Gone Wild_ crew at a different time and place.  
  
They did kiss at three in the morning, in the upstairs bathroom even though Dennis told them not to go upstairs. They reasoned it was turning midnight in California, which was admirably cogent for two people so far gone.  
  
In the morning Jesse aches all over and Mike asks how he ended up sleeping on a chair when there was an empty couch across the room. Jesse laughs and shrugs and says man, he was just so wasted; he really doesn’t know.


	15. Chapter 15

Jesse, Garrett, and Brian are in a basement, watching some high-school garage band thrash around for a group that is mostly made up of other high-schoolers.  
  
“I don’t know,” he says skeptically. “Now I feel like a jerk for coming. Why couldn’t you just burn me a copy of something?”  
  
“They don’t really have anything…uh… _good_ recorded. But it’s okay, I just told him we’d come by and see them; I didn’t tell him we were thinking of him for the band or anything. He’s not expecting anything.”  
  
Brow pinched, Jesse follows the black-haired boy as he staggers around the corner of the floor that’s serving as a stage. “How old is he?” he asks.  
  
“Um,” says Garrett. “Seventeen.”  
  
“Seventeen?” Jesse exhales. “Graduating this spring?”  
  
“Um…” Jesse does not miss the look Garrett and Brian exchange. “Um, no. Next spring,” Garrett says.  
  
“ _Next_ spring? Aw, what the _hell_ –!” Jesse’s sick of being the oldest. He’s sick of little brothers and younger friends and feeling bad about himself because he’s in the same position career-wise as someone who hasn’t even graduated high school. It was like that with The Rookie Lot; he was hoping it wouldn’t be _exactly_ like that with this band, too.  
  
“He missed the cut-off,” Garrett says defensively.  
  
“Look, Jess,” Brian says, “we need another guitarist. You really think we’re going to be _so_ popular right away that we’re not going to be able to work around him being in school? We all have jobs, anyway; it’s not so different from that. And he’s good; and he’s a good performer; and he’s young, and he hasn’t played around much, so he’ll listen to us and he won’t have too big an ego. He’s a good kid; you know that. He’ll work. It’ll work.”  
  
The song has ended, and now that he is relatively still, Jesse takes a minute to give this kid a good, long look. Vin Accardi. He looks like he could be a little older than seventeen. Jesse remembers himself at seventeen: skinny and pale, patiently waiting for his best friend to return his feelings. He wasn’t so bad at seventeen; wasn’t so naïve, wasn’t so cocky, wasn’t so much the way seventeen-year-olds are supposed to be. Maybe Vin’s like that, too.  
  
“He still has to try out,” Jesse says grudgingly. “And he’s not getting in if he isn’t good. And he’s getting kicked out if he acts up.”  
  
Garrett rolls his eyes, his mouth slowly working into a big, toothy smile. “Duh.”


	16. Chapter 16

“So, I think we found someone to replace you full-time,” John tells Jesse one night after returning from North Carolina. “He’s going to come up and try out.”  
  
“Mmm. Sounds good,” says Jesse. Secretly, he thinks it’s just a little bit of a shame. He likes the idea of bands made up solely of kids born and raised on the Island. Not that there’s anything wrong with people from North Carolina (well, usually) – but they’re not from here. They’re different. It’s small; it’s not always noticeable, but they are.  
  
“Yeah. I think it’s going to work out. I don’t know. I get a good feeling about him. He’s pretty enthusiastic about the whole thing.”  
  
“Cool,” says Jesse. It doesn’t occur to him to be jealous. He doesn’t think of boys as potential sexual partners, so he assumes John doesn’t either. “Is it anyone I know?” he asks.  
  
“Maybe. Phil’s the one who brought him around.” John’s glasses slide down his nose, and his hand rises to his face to push them back up in a motion so familiar that it barely even registers with Jesse. “His name’s Adam.”


	17. Chapter 17

Jesse goes on four dates with a girl named Danielle and then she abruptly breaks up with him. Later he finds out it’s because she thought he wasn’t interested because he didn’t try to sleep with her. Jesse laughs when he hears that and sort of wants to talk to her, to explain, but she’s already dating some other guy so he doesn’t bother.  
  
And then there’s Alicia. She’s smart and pretty and she likes to talk about music. He explains to her early on about not wanting to have sex and she says that’s fine and gives him a blowjob.  
  
And one day their friend Chris says, “She’s perfect for you; she’s like a female version of John,” and everybody laughs, John too, but then he’s weird and distant for weeks and then one night he calls Jesse crying and Jesse has to sneak down to the basement and curl up in a corner to be able to talk to him without being overheard, and John doesn’t really say anything but Jesse understands.  
  
He still kind of pictures his future with a girl. Not Alicia specifically, but a girl. A conventional relationship and children that look like him. He doesn’t know where John is in these visions. Sometimes he wishes he was a polygamist, that he could have both his nameless wife and John, that everyone would know and be okay with it. He knows it’s selfish and that he couldn’t.  
  
He feels guilty no matter who he kisses.


	18. Chapter 18

“I still can’t believe you guys kicked Antonio out,” Jesse says.  
  
“Really? I thought it was so obvious that was going to happen,” says John.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah. I mean, the fight was so dumb; it was really obvious Eddie was just looking for an excuse to get rid of him. They’re totally over it now, you know? But it’s better this way. Antonio sucked.”  
  
Eyes widening in surprised, Jesse mutters, “Whoa.”  
  
“‘Whoa’ what? He did.” John’s hand flutters aimlessly around his right temple for a second. It’s been years since he first got them, but he’s still not completely used to wearing contacts.  
  
“I don’t know, man, that’s just kind of…harsh. I mean, he was in the band from the beginning. He’s the only reason _you’re_ in the band.”  
  
John rolls his eyes. “Shit man, the band’s not going to get very far if we let people drag us down just because they called dibs. Ed really wants this to work, you know? And Adam as the singer; that’s going to work. See, you don’t get it ’cause you’re the oldest one in Brand New. Vin and Garrett and Brian, they can just move on to the next thing; no problem. Eddie isn’t giving himself that option. That’s why Taking Back Sunday’s going to work; Eddie’s going to _make_ it work.”  
  
“Yeah, you guys are working _really_ well,” Jesse snorts.  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” John asks sharply.  
  
“Uh, you’re the one begging me to cover you guys on bass so you can play your next show.”  
  
“Just because we’re temporarily short a bass player doesn’t mean we’re not working. We’ll find someone, easy. We just need you for one show.”  
  
“I don’t know,” Jesse sighs. He hates playing bass, and he’s not very good at it, and being out of practice only makes him worse.  
  
“Come on, it’s _one show_. Come on, Jess. Please? For me?” John’s making a pleading face, big and overblown, but there’s a little bit of knowingness in there; a little bit of lewdness. It’s cute how much power he thinks he has over Jesse, and it’s sad how much power he really _does_ have.  
  
“All right,” Jesse says finally. “But this is not turning into a regular thing. And you’re going to make this up to me.”  
  
“My pleasure,” says John with a wry little smirk.  
  
The show is okay – it’s fine; whatever. Jesse is sort of bad, but no one cares about the bass player anyway. They used to, because it was Adam, but now that Adam’s singing, that’s all anyone cares about.  
  
Not that Jesse gives a shit. Adam’s just a dumb kid. He’s theatrical; people like that. It’s not a big deal. That’s why he’s good as a lead singer: He can just run around the stage screaming into a microphone and not have to worry about, you know, actually hitting any notes or silly things like that.  
  
It just that when they all got together before the show, Adam asked John if he got a haircut. And Jesse looked over at John and realized that he had. Jesse hadn’t noticed before, but John’s hair is definitely different. So John says yeah, he just got a haircut that day, and Adam tells him it looks good. And John says thanks and smiles a very small smile.  
  
And for the first time in his entire life, Jesse feels threatened about his relationship with John.


	19. Chapter 19

Jesse cannot believe his good luck. His parents have decided to go up to Cape Cod for his baby cousin’s christening, and they want everyone to come to make a long weekend out of it, and Jesse is able to beg off on account of his unforgiving manager, and he will have _the whole house_ to himself. And John.  
  
He really _does_ have to work, and he considers quitting but doesn’t because his parents would know and that would raise questions. Besides, he’s only working days now and John is too, anyway, so it works out; they’ll have their nights together, alone.  
  
All day Friday Jesse is on edge; he _can’t wait can’t wait can’t wait_ for tonight. He has the day off but John doesn’t so he waves to his family as they drive away and hangs around his house and cleans out of boredom and nervous energy. After what feels like forever it’s time for band practice, which he sort of wants to ditch but John’s practicing with Taking Back Sunday so he might as well go. Practice is okay even though Jesse keeps messing up his parts, but mostly they talk, anyway; they’re working out what they’re going to record for the album and trying to come up for a good name for it, and Vin keeps suggesting really terrible goofy titles to make everyone laugh. Jesse tries to remember to tell John that Vin wanted to name the album “We Hate Our Ex-Girlfriends But We Sure Love You”.  
  
Afterwards Jesse and Garrett go to grab some food and then to a show where they meet up with John and Shaun, but John’s in best-friend-mode because they’re in a big group so seeing him is sort of bittersweet, and Jesse can’t focus on what’s happening at all and just focuses on not standing too close to John because if he does he might start touching him, he really might.  
  
Finally, finally, _finally_ Jesse drops Garrett off and it’s just him and John in the car, but John still doesn’t say anything and Jesse figures he needs to transition from being just-best-friends to what they’re going to do in Jesse’s empty house, so he doesn’t try to force a conversation and he doesn’t reach over and pet the nape of John’s neck like he really wants to.  
  
And finally they get inside Jesse’s house Jesse throws his arms over John’s shoulders and kisses him, right there in the living room.  
  
But John isn’t really kissing back.  
  
But that’s crazy; John loves him, and he’s just tired or something, and Jesse’s tired so he probably isn’t reading the situation right, so he keeps kissing him and runs his hands under his shirt and taps on his ribs. And John still isn’t really kissing back, so Jesse pulls him closer, and they’re all pressed together and warm and safe, and John still doesn’t kiss back and after a moment he pushes Jesse away and his eyes are shining and not in the good way.  
  
“Jesse…” he says and Jesse’s stomach sinks. He grips the hem of his shirt and pulls at it, which is something he used to do when he was five and had to walk through his basement alone and the boiler sounded like a monster.  
  
“Jesse,” John says again, and how does he even make Jesse’s name sound like that, like the worst thing in the world? “I think we should… I think we should stop seeing each other like this.”  
  
And Jesse just starts crying. He turns away so John won’t see because he still finds crying sort of embarrassing, and he goes to the couch and curls up as small as he can and shoves his face in a pillow and just cries. And John comes over and sits down beside him but he doesn’t rub his back or anything, he just sits there with his hands resting on his legs and waits. And Jesse finally looks up at him, but he doesn’t know what to say, so he waits for John to speak first.  
  
“I can’t anymore, Jess, I can’t,” John says softly.  
  
“Why?” Jesse croaks, his voice still watery.  
  
John shakes his head and bites his lip. “Because you’re cheating on me.”  
  
If Jesse had more energy he’d be angry, but he’s tired and he’s just sad. “I’m not cheating on you,” he says, “I’m cheating on Alicia _with_ you.”  
  
“I was first,” John says, and he sounds like a little kid. “I had you first.”  
  
“No,” says Jesse. “No, because you and me, it’s not a relationship. We’re friends. You can’t cheat on your friend.”  
  
“How can you say that?” John is staring at him all hurt and his eyes are glistening.  
  
“Because we’re just us. We’re just hooking up to feel good. We’re never anything more in public, and you need to be that for it to be a relationship. What am I to you if I’m not just your friend? Am I your boyfriend? Your lover?” But Jesse already knows John would never use either of those words to describe him.  
  
“It doesn’t need a label,” John says.  
  
“You’re being hypocritical, anyway,” says Jesse. “You were dating Karen and messing around with me at the same time.”  
  
“That’s not –”  
  
“You’re just jealous,” Jesse says.  
  
“I’m not!” The tears finally spill over and leak down John’s cheeks. “That’s not all it is! I was sleeping with Karen, but you’re not sleeping with Alicia. You’re not doing anything with her that you don’t do with me, so what do you need her for? It’s because you don’t really love me. You don’t really want me. You’re replacing me with some perfect fucking _girl_ , and you’re going to marry her and forget about me. I’m doing you a favor, breaking it off now. Just admit it.”  
  
“You’re an idiot,” says Jesse. “I only started dating again because you did, anyway, and because everyone was bugging me about not seeing anyone. And I do things with Alicia I don’t do with you – I go on dates with her and take her to parties and hold hands with her in public.”  
  
“It’s always that,” John says bitterly. “Like, oh, if we just made out at the mall suddenly everything would be perfect. Why do you need people to know? Why do you need their approval? Why aren’t I enough?”  
  
“You _are_ enough,” Jesse says, because he can’t stand the accusation, can’t argue with John until he knows that truth. He crawls over to the other boy and kisses the salty water on his cheeks, “You’re enough, you’re enough, you’re enough.”  
  
John sinks back into the couch and brings Jesse with him, lets the Jesse’s head rest on his chest, laces their fingers together.  
  
“I can’t, Jesse,” he whispers. “I’m sorry. I can’t watch you with her. I can’t do it. I know I’m selfish but I can’t, because I’m so scared that one day it’ll happen, one day you’ll tell me this is over because you’ve found the right girl and you’re going off to live your real life now, and maybe it’s not Alicia but it’ll be someone, some day, and it’s all I can think about when I see you with her.”  
  
And Jesse can’t promise that John’s wrong, because this, his whole life right now – his job and the band and living with his parents – it’s not _real_. He’s floating, waiting to see what’s going to happen and what’s going to work, but some day he’ll have to get on with being a grown-up. And he can’t be sure if lusting after John will be part of that or not. He’d be lying if he said he was certain John was part of his real, grown-up life of the future, even though he wants him to be.  
  
“I love you,” Jesse says. “That’s all I have; I’m sorry. I love you.”  
  
And John speaks so quietly Jesse almost doesn’t hear. “Then pick me.”  
  
“Okay,” Jesse says softly. “Okay, I pick you.”


	20. Chapter 20

It’s not as easy as picking John, though. Jesse hates dumping people. He always gets too worked up, and he’s a little bit afraid he might let slip _why_ he’s breaking up with Alicia if things get heated.  
  
He explains this to John, and feels a little guilty because he knows he’s trying to scare John into giving him time. It works, though probably there are other factors involved, like how with the space and privacy of Jesse’s house for a weekend, Jesse was able to blow John and finger him at the same time, and he even swallowed and let John kiss him after.  
  
And there’s also the fact that it’s getting close to April which means Easter’s coming up, and everything’s going to be hectic with that, and then a few weeks after is Alicia’s birthday, and Jesse doesn’t want to be a jerk and look like he’s dumping her to get out of giving her a present or something. And the band’s aiming to release their album this summer, and there’s all this pressure on Jesse to write more stuff to flesh it out, because right now they really only have maybe half a dozen solid songs, and anyway John’s busy writing too, and Taking Back Sunday’s going to record a demo with Mike Sapone because they still aren’t signed and they’re all really antsy about that.  
  
And also Jesse just plain likes Alicia and likes spending time with her, even just in a friendly way, and he knows he won’t be able to see her at all after dumping her and he’ll miss her. But he doesn’t tell John that part.  
  
Time slips by. They ride the high of their weekend together for almost a month, but it fades and they are back to resenting the backseats of cars. Jesse has to whisper assurances to John, “ _Soon, I’ll do it soon, I promise_ ,” and he feels awful and Alicia wants him to meet her parents and he feels worse.


	21. Chapter 21

Jesse has sworn up and down that he’ll talk to Alicia after this weekend. This weekend there’s a party at Kurt’s that everyone’s been looking forward to, so everyone will enjoy that and then Jesse will get to the nasty business of dumping his girlfriend.  
  
“Where’s the bathroom in this house?” Alicia asks over the thrumming stereo.  
  
“It’s upstairs,” says John. “I’ll show you; I want to find Nicky, anyway.” Jesse smiles to himself as he watches them walk away together. John’s warmed up to Alicia lately and agrees that she’s really nice and good to talk to.  
  
“Uh-oh, buddy,” Dennis says to Jesse teasingly. “Better watch out; look like John’s moving in on your girl.”  
  
Jesse laughs and has another beer.


	22. Chapter 22

Jesse gingerly touches the swollen bruise around his eye with his good hand. It’s the only mark John has ever left on his body.  
  
He is drunk for two days after it happens. He quits his job and hides in his room. His mother cries outside his door but he can’t do anything but feel sorry for himself.  
  
Alicia calls but he doesn’t answer. Friends call but he doesn’t pick up for them, either. He takes one call. It’s from John.  
  
He wants so much to shout and scream and curse and say everything he’s thinking, but he doesn’t, because he knows everyone in his house is listening even though they’ll say they weren’t. It’s his final act of kindness to his former best friend: He does not make delicate accusations loud enough to be overheard; his bitter, “ _I loved you_ ,” is hissed.  
  
“Jesse – Jesse, I know what I did – I know I can’t expect you to forgive me, but can’t you understand? Can’t you understand why? You promised – you promised you’d break it off with her, and –”  
  
“Don’t make this my fault,” Jesse says venomously. “You _fucked_ my _girlfriend_.”  
  
“ _Because I couldn’t fuck you_. Don’t you _get_ it? I wasn’t trying to hurt you, I just wanted, I just wanted to feel better, and you got _both_ , it wasn’t _fair_ –”  
  
“ _Shut the fuck up_. Stop making excuses. We’re _done_ , John. You hear me? _Done_. In _every_ way.”  
  
“I know,” John moans. “I know, I know, you’re right; I don’t blame you –”  
  
“Just stop it, just stop.”  
  
“Jesse – Jesse, I know you’re mad at me, but you’re not going to do anything…rash, are you?”  
  
Jesse gives a cruel bark of laughter. “Is that you’re way of asking if I’m going to tell? That’s real subtle, John –”  
  
“Please, Jesse, I know I don’t deserve to ask you for anything, but please –”  
  
“You’re the one who stabbed me in the back, John –”  
  
“I know, I know –”  
  
“That was you, not me. I’m the one who keeps his promises, remember?”  
  
“I – okay. Thank you.”  
  
“Forget it, John, okay? It’s all over now – you and me, and our friendship, and everything, and this conversation, and this phone call, it’s all over. So just forget it.”  
  
He hangs up the phone and genuinely believes himself.


	23. Chapter 23

Jesse dials Brian’s number and can’t remember why. For a second after he picks up, Jesse thinks maybe he’s going to proposition the drummer.  
  
Instead he tells him he wrote some new songs.


	24. Chapter 24

Jesse sleeps with a girl he’s known for two weeks. He can’t look his reflection in the eye for the next three months.  
  
It’s not even close to worth it, but neither was holding on to his virginity for so long.


End file.
